


Worth Every Hell

by idrilhadhafang, MidgardianNerd



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Dreamsharing, Evil Snoke, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heartache, Heartbreak, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a Mess, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Kylo Ren, Pining Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, The Force Ships It, in future developments that is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-14 08:27:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16036703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/pseuds/MidgardianNerd
Summary: After breaking into Kylo’s mind during a training session, Snoke learns about Poe, and decides to use Poe against Kylo. It does not go the way he thinks.





	1. Sanctuary Invaded

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Special thanks to MidgardianNerd for her suggestions.

“You’re not paying attention, apprentice.”

Snoke’s voice jarred Kylo Ren out of his thoughts. Thoughts of Poe that were already seeping into his mind despite himself. He shouldn’t feel the way he did, but it seemed that it didn’t let up. Ever since he had left Poe behind on Yavin IV, without talking to him, without explaining why.

He should have explained why. He owed Poe that much. He truly did.

Kylo looked up in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Supreme Leader.”

“Your thoughts are disturbed. I can feel them running like a current through you. And...ah, there’s the beginning of them, at least.”

“Don’t.”

It didn’t stop Snoke from invading his mind. The shooting pains even as he did so. More than the pain was the sense of violation — Kylo’s sanctuary had been invaded, and there was nothing he could do about it. Even his attempts to defend himself were a lot like beating against durasteel.

“You think you can protect him?” Snoke chuckled softly. “I see your mind, young Solo. I see your every intent. No matter what you try to hide in the corners of your feeble mind, I will always find it.”

“Stop...please...”

Snoke wouldn’t let up. Kylo’s walls were torn down like they were made of nothing more than tissue. Snoke’s mental fingers were all but ruthless, merciless, wrenching out every memory they had together — Poe’s laughter, Poe’s voice, everything. Kylo tried to throw up his shields, but he might as well have been trying to ward off a hurricane.

And then it was over. Kylo doubted he could get rid of that feeling, that sense of violation, of utter invasion. He stood before Snoke, loathing this creature, feeling a sense of white hot hate that previously, he’d only felt for his uncle after Luke had tried to kill him. 

“This Dameron,” Snoke said, “May yet be useful. Even a rabid cur needs a master’s hand. Consider it getting everything you wanted, Kylo Ren.”

“No.” He’d wanted nothing more than for Poe to be safe. He wanted Poe by his side, and yet he couldn’t do this to him. He simply couldn’t. 

“Yes.” Snoke smiled the sort of smile that would put a firaxan shark to shame. “You’ll both bow to me. I guarantee that much.”

“Supreme Leader, you don’t — ’’

A flash of Force Lightning, and Kylo fell back, smarting all the while. He could feel the currents in his body, could smell smoke from where he was hit. 

“Enough!” Snoke said. “How dare you prioritize this mere pilot over me? I would have given you the galaxy if I could, and you persistently act ungrateful. Do you wish to defy me further?”

“No...”

“Good. Now get out of my sight.”

Kylo left, the hatred for Snoke bubbling in his veins and refusing to let up. 


	2. Left in Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Left behind, Poe tries to deal with Ben's fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, The Nerd here! Sorry for the delay. I'm a slow-writer and you will have probably to wait longer for my chapters than for Idril's ones. Thanks to her for putting up with my slow arse.

Kes Dameron wasn’t a man who knew hate. Hate was never part of the motivation he needed to move on. Even when he was fighting the Empire, hate has never been a part of the equation. When he met Shara, when they had Poe, love was the only motivation he needed to bring the Empire to its knees. So Kes never truly felt hate. Even when Shara died. It was the most painful experience of his life but both Shara and he knew the risks of her job and accepted it a long time ago. Even in this dark times, the only thing in his mind was the love he had for her and for their son. But today, Kes Dameron was finally discovering what hate truly means. He never in his life would have thought that he could hate a mere boy. But seeing his son crying his heart out, Kes Dameron couldn’t help but hate Ben Solo with all his heart. 

 

* * *

 

After crying every day for the last months, Poe felt like he had no energy anymore but yet, the tears were still rolling down his cheeks. He wasn’t even trying anymore to hide them. He just felt numb. He saw the sun shining above him, the wind in the leaves and the water around his ankles. But he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel, he couldn’t think. His whole mind was screaming in pain with this new hole in his life. He couldn’t understand. He couldn’t believe. He didn’t want to believe it. 

How could he did that to him? How? How could he destroy all the dreams they shared? All the projects they did? The pilot and the Jedi, traveling in the galaxy to help people, to fight for what was good. Ben didn’t just disappear from day to day without warning Poe. He destroyed everything in his wake: Poe’s future, Poe’s life, Poe’s heart. And the worst, Ben destroyed himself. He destroyed himself. And he left without saying anything. Like Poe didn’t matter. Like they hadn’t shared their lives together for years. Like Poe wasn’t enough. But maybe he wasn’t enough. 

Poe shrank back when he felt his father’s hand on his shoulder. He didn’t want to be touched. He didn’t want to be comforted. He didn’t want his father to tell him again that everything would be all right. Because nothing would be alright. Poe didn’t want for everything to be alright. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to break things. He didn’t want comfort. He didn’t want love. He didn’t want them. He wanted nobody. He...that wasn’t true. He wanted someone. He wanted Ben so much. Even if Ben didn’t want him. 

 

“This is not your fault!” whispered his father, his hand on Poe’s neck. 

 

Poe closed his eyes. He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to hear all their lies. All the same lies that they all said to him. His father. His friends. Ben’s mother. They all said that. All of them. But how they could know? They didn’t know Ben. They didn’t know him. Not like Poe was knowing him. Or...or like he thought he knew him. 

Poe felt like fire rumbling in his chest. His blood boiling in his veins. Hot air going through his nostrils. He didn’t know Ben. He didn’t know him. He failed. He failed to see something was wrong. He failed to save Ben. Ben didn’t even give him a chance to save him. He was hating him so much. He was hating them. All of them. He was hating everybody. Even himself, no exception. But Poe couldn’t release his anger, his pure rage on Ben. Because Ben wasn’t here anymore. He couldn’t release his anger on Leia; she disappeared quickly after announcing to the Damerons what happened to her son, almost like it was a formality, almost like Poe’s grief wasn’t her problem. It probably wasn’t. Poe couldn’t release his anger on Han. He wanted. He wanted so much. It was Ben’s father, Ben’s hero, the man who promised to protect him. But when he saw Han, when he saw how his blue eyes were haunted by pain, anger, sadness, despair, all these feelings that Poe was knowing too well now, he couldn’t stand to stay in the same room as him. Han was berating himself enough. Poe wanted to release his anger on Luke. Oh yes! More than anybody else. He wanted Luke Skywalker to at least kriffing appear front of him, at least giving an explanation to Poe for why he didn’t do anything to help Ben, to save him. How he could have failed his own nephew like that. But the man, this coward disappeared without a word. Not even brave enough to face his own mistakes. 

Poe couldn’t release his anger on himself. He did it a lot in the last months. And it changed nothing. It didn’t bring him relief like he thought it would. And he was tired. He was tired of being the only one to blame. He needed to be angry, to be ugly, to scream until he broke his voice. He needed to hurt. He needed to hurt as much as he was hurt. And he didn’t want for his father to be his victim. But he was the only one there, the only one trying to comfort Poe. He was the only one innocent in this story but it wouldn’t change anything. He said the wrong thing at the wrong time. 

 

“Go away!” groaned Poe, trying to keep down his anger when his whole body was on fire. 

“No.” answered Kes. “That’s not your fault.” added the older man, his voice stern. 

 

Poe could hear the reproach in his father’s voice. He could hear the hate for Ben. He couldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to accept it. His father had no right. He had no right to say what Poe has to feel, to think, to love or to hate. His father couldn’t understand. He didn’t want his father to understand. He wanted this pain to be his and only his. 

 

“Leave me alone!” screamed Poe, pushing his father’s hand far away from him. 

“I will not Poe. You need me.” said Kes and Poe looked up, his eyes red and puffy, the anger distorting his face. 

“I don’t need you.” spat Poe. “I want Ben.” 

 

He saw the moment his father’s heart broke. He saw it and he felt nothing. And it made him so afraid. Like he was losing something important in himself but he was unable to hold it back. Poe always admitted that Ben brought out the best in him. But now he realized that he could also bring out the worst in Poe. It made him afraid but he was unable to stop it. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to stop it. But Kes went away and Poe was left with this new part in himself he didn’t know what to do about. 

 

* * *

 

Since this dreadful night, Poe couldn’t grasp anymore the reality of time. It was just a succession of days and nights and Poe just lost in it. Now it was nightfall and Poe felt somewhat relieved to have this darkness around him. Night and dark were the only things not changing. Days could be sunny, rainy, cloudy. But night, it was always dark. Always made for sleep. Night was comfort. Darkness was relief. Darkness was secure. 

Poe still had his feet in the lake when he felt the water trembling around his ankles, the wind blowing at the surface. And then, Poe heard something. It was a rumble, like the planet shaking up around him before a high whistling hurting his ears. Then, the silence. But a silence like none he ever experienced before. So silent that he could hear his own heartbeat. Poe saw the wind blowing in the leaves above him but he heard nothing. Nothing except himself. 

It wasn’t normal. Poe should have felt afraid. He should have. But he didn’t. This silence. Just his heart beating, his blood pulsing, his own breath. And more than anything else, his mind stopping to scream pain and anger. For the first time in months, Poe felt... fine. 

But this strange feeling of peace didn’t last. He felt a cold breath against his ear. He felt coldness invading his whole body, his whole mind. It was uncomfortable, disturbing but also strangely safe. Poe tried to breath out, to not let fear overwhelming him. Then, everything froze. His mind, his blood, his heart. Only a whisper. 

A voice coming from nowhere. A voice almost surreal. A voice coming from the bowels of the planet. A voice, strange, cold but warm. Almost seducing. A voice he didn’t know. But a voice he felt he could trust. 

 

“That was your fault.” whispered this voice in Poe’s ear and to hear it, to finally having someone admitting it freed something in Poe, letting him broken but relieved. “You can save him.” added the voice and Poe’s heart finally began to beat again.

“How?” sobbed Poe, his voice shaking. “ _ How _ ?” screamed Poe when he got no response.

 

But there was still no answer, just the feeling of a cold hand cradling his cheek, like his mother used to do when he was sad. Then, the silence disappeared and the harsh noises of the wind, the water and the jungle around him assaulted him. Poe was left alone in the painful real world, but with something new in him. Hope. 


	3. Untraveled Hyperspace Routes And Black Holes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke takes advantage of Poe and Kylo’s shared dream to manipulate Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Special thanks to MidgardianNerd for her help with the Kylo bit!

It was when Poe was trying to sleep at night that he saw Ben. 

_ Ben was on some sort of vast ship, in a throne room that was practically blood red, and he wore different robes, black instead of white, but he was still fundamentally Ben, with his shaggy black hair and expressive brown eyes.  _

_ “Poe,” he said, and stars, it sounded like the sweetest melody that Poe could possibly hear.  _

_ “Ben.” Poe looked at him, tears filling his eyes despite himself. “Why did you leave me?” _

_ “I had to.” Ben looked down, in one of those gestures that was uniquely Ben. “And after what I did...” _

_ “Ben,” Poe said. “There’s nothing that you could have done that could make me hate you.” _

_ “You don’t know what I’ve done.” Ben said.  _

_ “Like I said, there’s nothing that you could have done that could make me hate you.” A beat. “Where are you?” _

_ “The Outer Rim. Hurry, Poe. I’ll be waiting for you.” _

Poe snapped awake in that moment. It seemed that everything was getting stranger by the moment. There was the matter of what had happened by the water, there was the voice. He couldn’t go rushing off based on a dream that he had, and yet...

He couldn’t abandon Ben. He simply couldn’t. 

Poe got out of bed and began packing. BB-8 beeped in that moment, clearly confused. Poe squatted down next to him. 

“We’re going to find Ben. And hopefully get some answers.”

A reproachful beep. 

“Buddy, even if I have to brave places that hyperspace has never been, I’ll find him. I have to.”

Another beep. 

“He might be in the Outer Rim. Might. I’ve got to find him, buddy. I have to.” Poe sighed. “I love him.”

BB-8 dwooed softly. Even if he didn’t understand completely what was going on, he could understand loving Ben. And Poe knew, just knew, he loved this flawed Jedi so much that his chest ached thinking about it. Ben was out there, and Poe knew he would brave black holes and untraveled hyperspace routes to save him.

And if no one else was going to do it, he would. 

***

It was when Kylo woke that he couldn’t help but feel Poe’s words reverberating in his head, in his ears, almost like Poe had shouted them.  _ There’s nothing that you could have done that could make me hate you.  _ And yet, what if Poe found out about the matter of what he had done at Yavin? The massacre? He hadn’t intended it to turn into a bloodbath, but in the end, did it matter? 

The very idea of having Poe here...it shouldn’t have felt so good. So enticing. It shouldn’t have felt so wonderful. And yet, here he was. Poe deserved to be safe, and yet Kylo, so selfishly, wanted him back here. At his side, in his arms. They had spent so much time yearning and pining, not enough time actually talking about how they felt. 

Then one of the Knights of Ren approached the doorway. “Master? The Supreme Leader wishes to speak with you.”

Master. He’d taken on that title through his training. In a way, he was the Knights’ Master, their teacher. As he walked to the throne room, he noticed Snoke’s toady, General Hux, just finishing up a conversation with Snoke. Probably trying to weasel his way into Snoke’s good graces. Ever the sycophant, that one. 

Kylo approached Snoke as Hux exited the room, and knelt before Snoke. Snoke looked down at him. “You seem troubled, apprentice.”

“It is nothing.”

“It radiates off you like a sun,” Snoke said. “Have you slept well?”

“No. Yes.”

Snoke furrowed his pale brows.

Kylo told him. Told him about the dream. Then, Snoke said, “Ah. I see. A good choice, apprentice. I may have judged the pilot too harshly. I investigated his records, and I noticed that he’s quite...exemplary. A phenomenal pilot, beautiful, perhaps quite the hero complex but for you, it just makes you adore him more, doesn’t it?”

It was like Snoke had read not only his thoughts, but his very soul.

“You adore him. It burns within your shell like a fire. Can you imagine, apprentice, actually being happy for a change? Having what you want, as opposed to what your uncle thought you should want?”

Kylo yearned for it. If it was burning within him like a fire, now it threatened to scorch through his ribs. 

“Think about it.”

Kylo swallowed. “He...” He didn’t know what to say, if he was ready to lie or tell the truth? Perhaps it was no use. Snoke knew him too well. “He is everything.”

“I should have suspected.” Snoke tapped his chin. “The Force works in mysterious ways, and very few are truly lost.”

Kylo didn’t know what Snoke meant by that. But by the stars, he yearned, and that yearning burned like an inferno behind his ribcage all the while. 


	4. Shadow of tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe can't give up on Ben. Not yet. He finds an expected ally. Then, an unexpected enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Another proof that I'm a slow writer. But writing Poe is breaking my heart. Thanks to Idril to have fix up my mistakes.

“Where are you going?”

 

Poe froze, BB-8 bumping against his legs, before he sighed. When he turned around, his father was there, sitting alone in the dark, his brown eyes fixing Poe. Poe knew that his father would never accept what Poe wanted to do. He wouldn’t let him go. But he needed to try. His father needed to understand. Poe couldn’t let Ben down. Now he knew that Ben needed him. Maybe it was just a dream, but Poe needed to believe that it was real. That the Ben he saw, the one whose eyes were burning through Poe’s skin, he needed to believe that this Ben was his. 

 

“I’m going to find him, Dad!” answered Poe, not letting down his father’s gaze. 

 

He knew he was hurting his father, he knew that his father only wanted the best for him. But Poe wouldn’t accept it. His heart, his body, his soul was aching for Ben. He didn’t want to accept, to give up so easily. This voice, at the lake. This voice told him that he could save Ben. And it was the only voice Poe wanted to listen to now. Not the voice of reason that was his father. 

 

“You will not leave this house, Poe.” said Kes, standing up before walking towards his son. 

“You can’t forbid me to leave.” Poe said, stepping back, not wanting his father to touch him. 

“I’m your father Poe!” replied Kes and Poe could hear the anger under his apparent quietness. “It’s my duty to protect you.” 

“I don’t want your protection.” spat Poe. 

 

Both men gauged themselves for long heavy seconds. They were both stubborn. Poe had the habit to be the first one to back off, respectful of his father’s authority. But his father could be wrong. Poe was an adult now and he learned that adults could be wrong. Like Ben’s family was. They should have seen something. They should have done something. But it was too late and now it was Poe’s job to bring Ben Solo back home. 

 

“Dad! I know that you only want my well-being. I know that. And I will always be grateful to you for that.” said Poe. “But Ben also needs someone to protect him or to help him when he…” added Poe, his eyes tingling with hot tears. 

“It’s not your job Poe. He has parents. He has a family for that.” replied Kes and Poe felt the now usual angry fire blossoming in his chest. 

“The same family who did nothing for him?” said Poe. “The same family who saw nothing, who did nothing? The same family who doesn’t care, who even isn’t looking for him now?” added Poe, pushing his father away from him. “I’m the only family he has now.” shouted the young pilot, his tears blurring his vision. 

 

Kes glared at Poe. The weight of his glare was too heavy, almost like a weight pulling Poe down even as he leaned too far against the door. 

 

“He left you Poe. He wasn’t taken away. He left you.” Kes said coldly, his dark eyes pinning down Poe where he was. “He didn’t choose you. He left you here because he didn’t want you.” added Kes.

“Stop!” whispered Poe, shrinking in his father’s shadow. 

“He left without a word for you Poe.” added Kes, spitting out his anger for Ben and each world felt like a stab in Poe’s chest. “He doesn’t care about you.”

“Please!” whined Poe. “Dad! Stop!” sobbed the young man. “Please.”

“He doesn’t love you.” shouted Kes and Poe collapsed against the door. 

 

He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to hear all his doubts thrown in his face. Poe slid down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his legs, burying his face in his knees to hide his tears. He barely heard his father kneeling down next to him and when he felt his hand on his shoulder, Poe shrugged his hand off. 

 

“I’m sorry, my boy.” whispered Kes and Poe could hear that he was sincere but it changed nothing. 

 

What if his father was right? What if his dream was just a dream? What if it was just his inner desire to still have Ben next to him and loving him, like if nothing have changed? What if...what if Ben never loved him as much as Poe loved him? Poe wanted for all of this to stop. He wanted to wake up. He wanted for this nightmare to be over. He wanted...he wanted nothing more that what he already had. What happened? What did he do? What did he not do? Why? Why Ben? Why him? Why them? 

When his father tried again to take him in his arms, Poe gave up. He didn’t have the force anymore to fight. He was tired. So tired. Poe slid his arms around Kes’ waist and buried his face in his father’s chest, letting his sobs finally taking the control of his whole body. 

 

“I miss him.” sobbed Poe and Kes petted Poe’s hair, rocking Poe slightly against him.

“I know, love.” whispered Kes, kissing softly Poe’s head. “I know.”

 

They stayed like that for minutes or maybe hours, Kes’ heart breaking at every sob leaving his boy’s mouth. Yes, he was still hating Ben Solo. But Poe was loving him. And that was the only thing mattering in this whole mess. 

 

* * *

 

When Poe opened his eyes, he was blinded by the sun shining in his room and he closed his eyes again, trying to stop the dizziness overwhelming him. His body felt so heavy. Poe felt like he was waking up from a coma he fell into months ago. His eyes were burning behind his eyelids and Poe felt nausea rising up in his throat. 

Poe felt a heavy hand on his chest, stroking slightly his sternum and Poe followed the soothing move, to model his breathing on this pace. The person next to him stepped closer to him and when Poe couldn’t feel anymore the sun on his face, he finally opened his eyes. 

It wasn’t his father. Poe took long seconds to recognize the silver hair and the wrinkled face above him. He looked so different. So tired. So old. Nothing like in Poe’s memories. 

 

“Mister Solo?” said Poe and finally the older man looked at him.

 

Poe would have preferred he didn’t. There was something missing in these blue eyes. Something so cold. This emptiness. It was unbearable. Poe looked away, feeling a tear riding down his cheek. Then, a rough finger was brushing it off and Poe bit down his lips, trying to not cry anymore. 

 

“Han.” whispered the old man and Poe felt another tear falling down when the voice was so broken. 

 

Poe grabbed his sheets, wiping off his eyes before turning around to look at the other man. Han was looking at him with a burning glance and Poe could guess what he was thinking. Because he was thinking the same. In each other, they could only see what was missing. Who was missing. They could barely looked at each other and saw who they really were. Because he was Ben’s other half. And because he was Ben’s father. 

 

“What...what are you doing here?” whispered Poe, his throat feeling sore. 

“Your father called me.” answered Han, his voice barely louder than Poe’s. 

 

Flashes from the previous night came into Poe’s mind. His father’s embrace. The his father’s words. How could he dare? How could he dare to disrespect their love like that? How could he doubt Ben’s love for him? Poe felt the same anger, this anger so familiar now. It was fighting the exhaustion of his body. Like only his rage-filled mind could make him feeling alive. 

 

“Poe!” whispered Han and his cold hand shook above Poe’s, like he was fearing to actually touch him. 

“What?” spat Poe. “You will tell me that I need to listen to him? To stay here and to do like nothing happened? Like Ben walking out my life never mattered? Like I could carry on with my life?”

“No.” whispered Han and Poe felt all his pain hitting him hard, cradling Poe’s own pain to make one. “Nothing will be the same ever.” sobbed Han, hiding his face in his own hand and Poe felt so lost. Han Solo wasn’t supposed to cry. Han Solo was supposed to laugh, smile, tell jokes and be the strong hero that Ben loved so much to copy in their games when they were younglings. 

“Wh...why are giving up?” said Poe. 

“He doesn’t want me to find him, Poe.” added Han, looking away. 

“So you will not look after him?” said Poe. He regretted it when he saw Han’s body honest to stars shake. He never thought in his life he’d see that. 

“I don’t know where to begin, Poe.” admitted Han.

“The Outer Rim.” Poe said.

“What?” whispered Han.

“He is there.” Poe said. 

“How do you know?” asked Han.

“I know.” answered the young man and Han closed his mouth. 

 

There was no doubt in Poe’s eyes. And nothing rational in this answer but Han could or maybe wanted to believe him. If there was someone who could feel where was Ben, it was the young man front of him, looking so young buried under the sheets of his bed.

“Promise me to find him.” added Poe and Han couldn’t refuse him that. 

 

It was foolish. And Kes called him so he could share his grief with Poe and told him that he shouldn’t hope. But how he could? How he could say that when even him didn’t want to give up. It was Ben. It was his boy somewhere over there. Alone. At the mercy of a monster. And Han who failed. He failed to protect his son. He failed to protect his little bandit like he always promised to himself and to Ben to do. So no. He couldn’t say to Poe Dameron to give up on Ben. Not when even he wasn’t ready to do the same. So Han nodded and then, Poe’s eyes looked away from Han, like he already wasn’t there anymore.

Han stood up and he felt lost. He didn’t know what to do now, what to say. Soon, he will be traveling across the galaxy with Chewie to try to find his son. But something in him screamed to him to not let Poe like this. That if he was leaving now, Poe would be lost to them too. His fingers brushed against Poe’s back hand and he heard the young man’s breath hitching. 

 

“I’m sorry.” whispered Han. 

 

When the door closed on Han, he didn’t know if he was saying that for Poe or for Ben. And he doubted Poe knew either. 

 

* * *

 

It was after he couldn’t hear anymore his father and Han talking in the living room that Poe decided to leave his room. He climbed out his window, not wanting to confront his father another time. Poe wanted to believe that Han would find Ben but he couldn’t be sure. Han already failed him once. He couldn’t trust him anymore. So, Poe had to work alone. 

That was why he was walking through the jungle in the middle of the night, alone. He left BB-8 at home. It was something he needed to do alone. BB would worried too much for him and the droid wouldn’t hesitate to tell to Poe if it was for Poe’s safety. 

When Poe emerged from the trees, his eyes fell on the quiet lake expanse, the full moon shining on the black surface. The sight left him speechless. It was beautiful. Quiet. Peaceful. Full of memories. The days spent swimming in the water of this lake. The nights they sneaked out of Poe’s room to have a midnight bath. The first time Poe saw the half-naked body of his friend as something he was attracted to. Their first kiss; hesitant, awkward, making them bursting in laughter. But in a strange way, perfect. A cold wind blew on Poe’s lips and he smiled for the first time in months. He would taste Ben’s lips again. He had to. 

Poe took off his shoes before stepping in the water. It was cold. Really cold. But not as cold as Poe’s body felt in the last months. The young man walked deeper into the lake. When he got water until the waist, Poe stopped, his hands brushing the surface of the water. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. And he waited. 

Nothing happened. Poe closed his eyes harder, thinking about Ben. Still, the water was frozen. 

 

“Ben.” whispered Poe, praying for his beloved to hear him. 

 

But the world around him was still silent. Not a good kind of silence. A noisy silence. Not the whole peaceful silence like the last time. Poe left out a shaky breath. The wind was slightly blowing around him. Poe felt hot tears trying to fall but he didn’t let them. He didn’t want to cry. He wanted to hear this voice. He wanted this voice to appear and tell him that it wasn’t too late for Ben. Not yet. 

The hope gave its place to pain. And soon, his pain was the only thing he could think about. That was when the water under his hands was shaking. The cold water felt like it was seeping through to his bones. Then, the same whistle ringing in his ears before the complete silence. And the same feeling of paralysis. Poe could feel the water moving around him in slow waves and soon, fresh air was blowing into his face. That was when he opened his eyes. 

In front of him, the dark water was taking form, drawing features he recognized instantly. He looked different. He was thicker, stronger, darker. But the same pouty lips and majestic nose he loved so much.

 

“Ben!” whispered Poe in awe. 

 

The figure couldn’t do justice to Ben’s shining brown eyes and this absence of a mischievous spark made Poe uncomfortable. But then, he saw this sweet smile and it felt like home. The young man couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. 

 

“Ben! Please.” said Poe, wanting to hear the deep voice of his friend but the strange shadow was only looking at him with a tender smile. “Come home. Come back to me.” 

 

The shadow gave a huge grin to Poe and Poe’s heart beat so hard in his chest, like it was finally finding back a reason to show its strength. Poe gave him back his smile. Everything would be all right now. He was sure of that. 

In the following second, there a green blade stabbing through Ben’s chest and Ben opened his mouth in breathless scream. Poe’s own breath was stuck in his throat. The shadow looked at him with regret and so much love, softly stroking Poe’s cheek. Poe felt a dreadful coldness on his face, a cold he only felt once before, when his mother died. Then he could only see the shadow exploding in a million drops of water, crashing against his face like it was Ben’s blood. Poe looked with horror at the water hanging in the air crashing down into the lake, Ben vanishing and Poe unable to keep him close to him. 

When the young man looked up, there was a shadow at few steps from him. He couldn’t see its face. Only the green lightsaber in his hand. The shadow raised up the saber to its own face and Poe prayed with all his heart to see again Ben’s face. But in the green light, Luke Skywalker’s face appeared. 

 

“He can’t.” said the old man, smiling cruelly at a horrified Poe before disappearing again into the darkness. 

 

Poe walked back to his house, letting his body guiding him because his mind was desperately trying to process what happened. When he slid back under the cover of his bed, his mind was still haunting by Luke’s mad eyes shining in green light.


End file.
